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Chapter 7 “The One That Got Away”

Dear Diary,

Here is chapter 7 of the “One That Got Away”. I hope you are getting at least a little bit hooked on the story…

Previous chapters and the amazon link to the novel follow the excerpt.

Chapter 7

         For a few weeks I had no dreams about Roese and friends. I was crazy busy. I was picking up additional shifts at the steak house. I was working long hours almost every day. This was helping my bill situation, but my energy was quite definitely waning. It was a tough job to do day in and day out and I was no spring chicken anymore. The headaches were almost constantly hanging on me now in varying degrees of ferocity. Of course I did not go to the doctor about my previous fainting spell. After a couple of weeks Leigh gave up pestering me on the subject. I didn’t tell her that I was still having headaches. I was also missing my Anna. She enjoyed spending time at Leigh’s house with her cousins, but with me she was becoming more clingy and ornery as my hours at work increased. Sometimes I would have an irrational flutter of panic that I would lose her too. Of course I would quickly dismiss the thought. I would insist to myself that I would never let that happen. At work, I found myself watching for that unusual woman with violet eyes to show up again. But she didn’t. I spent way too much time dwelling over the possibilities of what I could say to her. I had so many questions about the dreams and such. She seemed to know about it. I wanted answers and meaning. I was becoming annoyed at myself for what I viewed as obsessive thinking. This was not typical of my nature and certainly not conducive to anything productive. The shifts and the hungry people and the food and the dirty dishes and the side work and the cleaning all blended together into one seemingly continuous day. Anna and I spent most of my down time lounging in my bed watching cartoons and noshing on popcorn and gummy bears. Sleeping in crumbs and with an occasional stray gummy bear was not my normal forte. One day I actually went to work with a green gummy bear lodged securely in my hair. This was not an easy extraction. The mind numbing routine continued on. My brain became too sluggish to wrap around much else until I had another fainting episode.

I had been schlepping a couple of enormous bags of foul smelling restaurant trash to the dumpster in the rear parking lot. This wasn’t normally one of my assigned duties, but the dishwasher guy was new and was taking forever to finish his responsibilities. I was particularly tired and cranky because my headache was quite fierce on this night. I was in the middle of a mental tirade about how clueless that new kid was when I literally stopped in my tracks. I could have sworn that I saw the violet eyed woman leaning against the fence around the dumpster smoking one of those fancy tipped cigarettes. I almost called out to her, but then I realized how ridiculous it would be that she was there in the first place. As I peered closer, I didn’t see her anymore. Only what appeared to be the remnants of cigarette smoke wafting towards me.  I blinked my eyes rapidly and tried to refocus. Was there fog? My vision became blurry and I felt the sensation of falling. I couldn’t feel my hands to put them out to catch my fall. I braced myself inwardly for the impending impact with the pavement. But I felt nothing. From far away kaleidoscope pictures whirled and tumbled into my mind’s eye again. Roese and Ralf, so poignantly happy in each other’s presence. Enchanting sexual scenes flitted before me. Passionate and purposeful discussions between them. Well received performances in a different theatre. From what I could piece together it appeared that Ralf had separated from Robert’s company and had gathered funding from other sources to establish his own playhouse. The shows were very popular and Roese was now playing lead roles. Life seemed happy and fulfilling for the couple until Roese turned up pregnant. Roese became prone to childish fits of anger and jealousy as her condition forced her to the sidelines. Ralf insisted that she rest and that performances needed to continue without her. Roese would not be reasonable. She continually lashed out at her lover and turned to alcohol for solace. She became quite a heavy drinker. Ralf was patient with her tantrums but firmly insisted that the show must go on. The images wound down slowly to a halt and I became engulfed once again in the dim bedroom filled with the death of my stillborn child. I was breathing shallowly. I was infernally hot, but trembling with cold. The blood felt so thick and sticky. I could feel that it was a leak that would not be abated. I was trying to awaken. Forcing my eyes open was almost more than I could bear. I needed to speak. To Ralf. The shame pierced me even in my half conscious state. The room was dark and blurry. The light from the candles seemed to stretch out in beams from their source but didn’t offer any real sight for me. Was it night or day? I thought perhaps I could see a bit of light between the window dressings, but I could not be sure. I struggled to turn my head. It felt heavy as lead. I could vaguely make out Ralf’s shape in a chair, slumped in sleep. My heart ached to see him. I tried to call his name, but only a hoarse croak erupted from my throat. He stirred and adjusted position. Then, suddenly he jolted awake.

“Roese!” He stumbled so quickly out of the chair that it toppled behind him as he knelt at the bedside. He gently cupped my face in his palms.

“Thank the Lord that you have awakened! I was afraid that you would not. They said….”his voice trailed off and he visibly tried to adjust his demeanor. His beautiful eyes were red rimmed from lack of sleep and weeping. His hair was filthy and hung in damp clumps at odd angles. He kissed my forehead and lingered there as if trying to breathe strength into my failing body. It took every ounce of my will power to force my hand to rise up to his cheek. At this, he dropped his head to my breast and sobbed jaggedly.

“Roese, do not leave me. I cannot be without you.” I held my hand upon his cheek as long as I could. Feeling the spark of his being. To keep it for always. My hand dropped suddenly. Ralf lifted his head in alarm and gathered me in his arms.

“Roese, please don’t….you have to…..” I could not hear him anymore. I wanted to tell him again how I loved him, but my lips were silent. I could only gaze at him with luminous blue eyes that were fading. The candlelight seemed to gather around his head and envelope him in a yellow haze. I watched him until he became the light itself.

Then there was blackness. I felt suspended and form free. Endless and timeless. I vaguely wondered if I was dead too. But who was I exactly anyway? These questions somehow did not seem important. After an unspecified amount of time I could see a pinhole size light that grew brighter and larger as I rushed towards it. Swift and windless. With a jolt I realized that I was now looking closely and critically at a set of pale green eyes flecked with brown. The lashes were long and the bridge of the nose was narrow. A strand of straw colored hair wafted into view. I was, in fact, studying a reflection in a silver framed, hand held mirror.

My mouth tasted gravel and blood. Scattered pieces of lettuce and a crushed milk carton stared back at me on the pavement.  There was pain in my face and shoulder. I was face down in Jake’s Steaks rear parking lot surrounded by what seemed like a sea of garbage. I lay there for a few moments listening to the silence that was occasionally punctuated by a passing car. A breeze stirred the air and coaxed the milk carton only inches from my nose. Time to get up. I gingerly moved my hands into push up position and winced as I put weight on them. A pair of petite pointy toed boots with a long black skirt hovering over them came into my line of view. I looked up in surprise and confusion to see the violet eyed woman. She was extending her hand to me for assistance. I clasped it gratefully and wobbled to my feet. She placed a diminutive hand on each of my arms to steady me and looked up into my face quite seriously.

“These things that you are being shown are to be shared with another. It has been attempted before, long ago. You will know the other when it is right. But be aware that your time is limited.”

I held her eyes silently. All questions and comments that had been stewing in my mind evaporated. I became sure that I had seen this woman before in a different setting. I soaked in her presence and words. She tilted her head slightly toward the kitchen door.

“The boy is coming,” she said. “He is quite grateful for how you have helped him. He will help you now and will not share this with the others.”

I looked in the direction that she had indicated and saw the dishwasher ambling through the doorway. The street lamp illuminated his curly red hair and gaunt frame. He was absently inserting a cigarette between his thin lips but promptly dropped it upon viewing the spewed garbage and my disheveled state.

“Wow! Wendy. What happened? You okay?”

I glanced back at the woman, but I knew that she would be gone.

“Yeah,” I answered. “Can you give me a hand? And keep it to yourself, okay?”

Chapter 1 https://blogkelliannesweeneydeardiary.wordpress.com/2012/08/06/chapter-1-this-week-chapter-2-next-week/

Chapter 2 https://blogkelliannesweeneydeardiary.wordpress.com/2012/08/13/chapter-two-of-the-one-that-got-away/

Chapter 3  https://blogkelliannesweeneydeardiary.wordpress.com/2012/08/20/chapter-3-the-one-that-got-away/

Chapter 4 https://blogkelliannesweeneydeardiary.wordpress.com/2012/08/27/chapter-4-the-one-that-got-away/

Chapter 5 & 6 https://blogkelliannesweeneydeardiary.wordpress.com/2012/09/03/chapter-5-6-the-one-that-got-away/

“The One That Got Away” on amazon http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_9?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=kellianne+sweeney&sprefix=kellianne%2Cstripbooks%2C225

 

 

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Blood Essential

Blood

Encased within

Flows freely

Within.

Pushed violently to every corner

By the pulsating heart.

Allowing

Breath and Movement,

Thought and Inspiration.

Creating uniqueness in its sameness.

Blood holding the Spirit within.

 

But blood without

Becomes hideous to behold.

It flows freely

Without.

Leeching the very essence of Being

In cascading rivulets freed by the slashed walls

That hold the Spirit within,

Still pushed violently by the pulsating heart

Until the heart tires

From no return.

 

 

 

 

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Chapter 5 & 6 “The One That Got Away”

Dear Diary,

Two chapters this time because chapter 5 is so short. Just to warn you, chapter 6 is rather intense! Links to the previous chapters and the amazon link to the novel follow the excerpt.

Chapter 5

         All was dark at Leigh’s house when I arrived. I slid the key into the front door lock and turned it as quietly as possible. I saw Leigh slumped and asleep on the living room couch from the faint light emanating from the kitchen stove. I moved to the back of the house, treading carefully so as not to step on the particularly creaky spots on the wood floor. Leigh’s house was built over a hundred years before and had all of the charms and groanings typical of such a house. The girls’ bedroom door was ajar and I pushed it gently open. Anna was snuggled between her cousins in the queen size bed. Franny and Kate both slept facing their small cousin, arms placed protectively. Moonlight seeped between the blind’s slits creating a striped pattern on the slumbering figures. A pretty picture for sure.  Tranquil and timeless. I barely breathed as I watched them, wishing the peaceful moment would not pass to be interrupted by the worries of my regular life. Abruptly, I dismissed such whiny, wistful thoughts. I deftly scooped up Anna and walked briskly into the front room. I tapped Leigh on the shoulder. She stirred and squinted up at me sleepily pushing her blonde hair out of her eyes.

“Thank you, Leigh,” I whispered. Anna shifted and pulled me closer.

“Uh, okay…call me…K?” Leigh murmured and adjusted her position on the couch. She seemed uncertain whether to make the couch her bed for the night or to get up and go to the bedroom.

I covered the last few steps to the door, opened it quietly and turned the lock back into place before I closed it again.

 

Chapter 6

         In my bed at home I willed the dreams to come. I wanted to see more. In the beginning, my dreams that night were in fact like dreams. Fragments of events tumbling together in no particular sequence. But still, the dreams centered on Roese and her youthful debut into the world of eighteenth century theatre. She played only small roles, but with such poignant enthusiasm and zest. Her style bore the mark of an innocent girl trying to impersonate the true passion born only of experience. But that in itself had its own captivating charm. The audience seemed to embrace her. Flashes of jealous friction erupted from Mary in some segments. However, Roese would not retaliate. She would merely demure. This seemed only to incense Mary all the more. Advances from Robert were becoming increasingly prevalent and it was apparent that he was becoming frustrated and a bit angry with Roese’s polite rebuffs. Interspersed were many episodes of drunken revelry and sexual promiscuity among members of the troupe. Roese began experimenting with drink but shied away quite adamantly from the prolific sexual encounters going on around her. And Ralf. He was laced within it all. Stolen glances between the two of them. Accidental touches. Casual words spoken with deep underlying meaning hidden under the most skillful of facades. They seemed to burn in each other’s presence. Yet no word or action indicated as such.

Then the dreams began to take on a different feel. The kaleidoscope style shifted and became more clarified. Edges became sharper; sound became clearer and more sensible. I was no longer a spectator. I was Roese. I was in the prop room rummaging through a chest of costume pieces. Hadn’t I seen white gloves with an ermine cuff? I impatiently knotted my hair into a makeshift bun as it was impeding the progress of my search. Everyone else it seemed was in the dressing room partaking in spirits and becoming rather loud and rowdy. I was a bit tipsy myself. I was suddenly aware that someone was in the room with me. I paused and turned to see Robert holding the tawdry curtain aside with one hand, a goblet in the other. He looked very drunk.

“Oh! Hullo Robert. You startled me.” I smiled uncertainly. I felt very uneasy. There was something… I didn’t like the look in his eye. It reminded me of the way Jared the field hand at my Papa’s farm had looked at me before he…A flutter of panic rippled through my chest. I suddenly felt like a cornered rabbit. How would I get past him through the doorway? Could I talk my way out of this? Or should I surprise him with a hard shove and run down the corridor? And then what? Have no employment? I had to handle this delicately and with skill. I fought the fear that was seeping into my pores and clenched my fingers quickly before I forced a casual smile.

“Ah, so delectable you are, Roese. Like the sweetest of crumpets,” Robert drawled as his eyes seemed to probe every part of my body. “How I’d love a taste.”

I emitted a silvery laugh. “Ah, Robert, what a charmer you are! You must use that line in your next play. Let us go join the others. Me-thinks your goblet is empty.” I assertively twisted the cup from his grasp with the intention of breezing through the doorway, but he swiftly snatched my other hand in a vice like grip and forced me to step backwards into the small room. He pressed his mouth to my ear and I could smell the stale wine on his breath.

“Let us not go join the others. It is time that you joined with me,” he slurred huskily and slid his tongue sloppily into my ear.

“Robert, stop!” I gasped and struggled vainly to extract myself from his tight grip. The goblet slipped from my fingers and struck the floor with a resounding clang as he used both of his hands to maneuver me a few more steps backward.

“Robert, please…” I begged. He was so strong. I knew I could not wriggle free. And oh dear Lord! Not again! Jared’s filthy, toothless face floated before my eyes for a moment. I shuddered at the memory and the panic became pure. “Robert! No!” I squealed desperately as he attempted to push me down onto a heaping pile of costumes. I struggled frantically and began to scream. He clamped his hand so hard over my mouth that I could not even bite, or barely breathe. This action caused the costumes to topple and I ended up hard on the splintering floor with one arm lodged under my body. My other hand was useless against his strong frame. His free hand rummaged under my skirts and tugged forcibly at my undergarments. I squeezed my eyes closed and tears ran down the side of my face and into my ears. My arm throbbed, splinters pushed into my skin and I felt dizzy from the wine and lack of air. He ripped at my linens and I felt his fingers fondle me roughly.

“Ah, there you are. That’s what I’m looking for.” I jerked at his touch. “There, there, Roese. Why do you struggle so?  Open your eyes and gaze upon the man that will have you.”

Then I heard laughter. I squinted my eyes open and looked past Robert’s head to see Mary and Mabel laughing hysterically at the sight before them. Mabel was so intoxicated that she could barely stand. Mary was not. Her laughter was harsh and deep felt. Her eyes glinted maliciously.

“Go on, Robert, ride that horse,” she jeered.

“Yes, I will,” Robert answered and began fumbling with his trousers. I used this distraction to attempt to free myself, but this merely angered him. He slapped my face hard which also had the additional effect of slamming my head to the floor. The edges of my sight became fuzzy and dark. I felt myself go limp. Robert removed his hand from my mouth and attended to his trousers. I felt cool air rush into my lungs as I gulped it in, unable to do anything else but breathe hungrily.

Somehow, suddenly, Ralf’s face appeared to hover over Robert’s head. His features were twisted in rage and his eyes sparked gray fire. I believed that I was having a vision, but then Robert’s body was yanked off of mine.

I cried out in relief and forced myself to scramble to a sitting position. I scooted the few inches to the back wall and curled myself tightly, face into my knees, arms laced securely around my legs. He would have to break my arms and legs to get through. These fiercely determined thoughts were interrupted by the commotion going on around me in the small room. I peeked warily around my knees and saw Ralf land a fist squarely on Robert’s jaw. Robert staggered, cursing vehemently and lunged unsteadily at Ralf. The two scuffled while Mary and Mabel yelled at them to stop. Robert emitted a long colorful string of obscenities as three actors raced in and struggled to break them apart. Katherine, another actress, tottered over and tried to squat on the floor next to me. Drink had robbed her of her balance and she almost fell. She steadied herself on a nearby chair and reached to put a hand on my shoulder.

“Don’t touch me!” I hissed as I buried my face back into my knees.

“Aw, Roese, I know it’s a fright, but these things happen. It’ll be alright, dear.” In my mind’s eye I could still see her rheumy, watery eyes filled with pity and her thin crooked mouth stained with endless applications of lipstick. She patted my shoulder anyway. I flinched and was about to push her away, but realized that she was taking her leave. Unsteadily, she maneuvered herself to a standing position and wandered after the men who were forcing Robert into the hallway. Mary and Mabel followed, chattering excitedly. Only Ralf and another actor named Harold stayed behind. My eyes were pressed so tightly into my knees that they ached. Ralf and Harold spoke quietly for a few minutes and then Harold left, leaving only Ralf. I could hear him panting slightly from exertion. He took a steadying breath and squatted beside me. I would not look up.

“Leave me alone,” I told him firmly. He did not leave. Silence hung between us. After several long moments he cleared his throat.

“Roese,” he said softly, “how do you fare?”

A million angry or pitiful replies rushed through my mind at once, but I said nothing. I became aware that my head was throbbing and that my arm was probably bleeding. I didn’t care to check for bumps or scrapes. I remained tight and still.

“Roese,” he repeated. This time his voice caught a little. A sliver of surprise slipped into my misery at the depth of feeling he had injected into my name. His fingers lightly touched my arm. The contact was electric, but still I tensed and repelled.

“Don’t touch me.” My voice was muffled and not quite as forceful as my last statement.

He pulled his hand away immediately. “Shall I have Katherine tend to you?” he asked doubtfully. “I will not leave you here alone.”

“No,” I answered realizing that I didn’t actually want to be alone either. What if Robert came back? I forced myself to peer over my knees at Ralf. “I…I am ashamed for you to find me in this state.” I spoke hoarsely.”But, please, I mean, thank you ever so much for coming to my assistance.” I swiped at the tear streaks on my face impatiently and glanced around for something to use as a handkerchief. Ralf offered his own.

“I could not let this pass,” he replied simply. But his eyes said much more. In the past I had been afraid to look in his eyes too closely. Afraid for what mine would say to him. Afraid that I might not find the same feelings that I held for him there.  Or afraid that I might find the shadowy sexual beast lurking there. He was too perfect.  I wanted him to stay that way. Unsullied by my expectations or false hopes. But this time, I looked. I saw tenderness. And uncertainty. And hope. He peered closely at me with those beautiful wolf-like eyes and then seemed to readjust his gaze to look even closer. Almost unconsciously my fingers rose to touch his cheek gently, hesitantly. He moved his face into my palm and pressed my hand closer with his own. He closed his eyes briefly as if to relish the moment. When he opened them again they were piercing and smoky.

“Roese, I do believe that I have fallen in love with you.”

My heart stood still. I could not say a word. I only stared in surprise. He moved to sit beside me. In an absent like manner he delicately guided tangled strands of hair from my face with one hand. His fingers found the nape of my neck and stayed there. He brought his face close to mine and his lips brushed my cheek as he spoke.

“I want to kiss you, Roese…May I kiss you?”

I only hesitated for the merest fraction of a moment. “Yes,” I breathed. And then he kissed me. Deeply, earnestly. He entwined his fingers in my hair and pulled me closer. My hands slid up around the back of his neck and he sighed with pleasure. The kiss was long and it was sweet and it demanded more. But Ralf stopped. He cupped my face in his warm hands and said, “Your arm is bleeding and I do believe you will have a bruised eye, little girl. We must tend to these needs and to other more serious consequences.”

 

I woke up abruptly. It was still dark. Anna must have crawled into bed with me, because there she was beside me. A fading white glow seemed to linger around her small body. At first I thought it was moonlight, but then it dissipated as I watched. It was then that I realized that I was actually able to see auras. I had heard about auras, but had never paid it much mind. I am the type that I need to see to believe. It seemed that I was seeing. But did I believe? I thought back to the other instances when I had seen what appeared to be auras. The multicolored hospital staff when I gave birth to you. Gladys was downright red after I had fainted. And Anna…well, again she was white. My gaze washed over my sleeping child and I wanted to touch her. But I didn’t. She was an extremely light sleeper and I was not about to be serving “brefast” at four am this morning. Instead, I carefully pulled the comforter over her bare legs. Unexpectedly, thoughts of you came flooding in. The pain of missing you and the mistakes I have made can be overpowering. It creeps up on me when my guard is down. I cannot have it in the front of my mind or I cannot function properly. So you have your own little box there in the back of my mind. However, the ache is always present. Most of the time it is like a dull itch unless it gets pulled to the front somehow. Dear Lord, how I miss you. But it cannot be, so back in your box you go. I slid out of my bed as unobtrusively as possible. I needed a cigarette.

Chapter 1 https://blogkelliannesweeneydeardiary.wordpress.com/2012/08/06/chapter-1-this-week-chapter-2-next-week/

Chapter 2 https://blogkelliannesweeneydeardiary.wordpress.com/2012/08/13/chapter-two-of-the-one-that-got-away/

Chapter 3  https://blogkelliannesweeneydeardiary.wordpress.com/2012/08/20/chapter-3-the-one-that-got-away/

Chapter 4 https://blogkelliannesweeneydeardiary.wordpress.com/2012/08/27/chapter-4-the-one-that-got-away/

“The One That Got Away” on amazon http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_9?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=kellianne+sweeney&sprefix=kellianne%2Cstripbooks%2C225

 

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What? A Song?

Dear Diary,

This post is where Kellianne tries her hand at songwriting! I actually wrote this song many years ago. I often write poetry, but the following  has been my only venture into songwriting.  This is mostly because I do not hold the ability to create music to go with it. I hold much respect for those who can create haunting poetry AND set it to music.

 

DANDELION SEEDS

 

Silver petals fall from your eyes

Into a murky pool of lies.

Golden words trimmed in lace

Fast unravel into space.

Silhouettes of days gone by,

Shapeless pieces of how and why.

Hopes scattered across the floor

Disarrayed, trembling, at the door.

 

(Chorus):

Seems to be

It’s you,

It’s me.

Seems to be

It’s not you,

It’s not me.

Close your eyes and you still can’t see.

 

In a corner staring at me

Silent words echo loudly.

Twisting hands, eyes of dust

In the space between us.

 

(Chorus)

 

(Bridge):

Should I run, or should I stay?

Grasp at the pieces or blow them away?

Blow them away, blow them away.

Like dandelion seeds on a fall day,

Drifting softly to where they will lay.

Blow them away, blow them away.

Gone tomorrow, gone today.

 

(Chorus)

(Chorus)

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Chapter 4 “The One That Got Away”

Dear Diary,

Here is Chapter 4 from “The One That Got Away”. Links to the previous chapters and the full novel follow the excerpt.

Chapter 4

         Whoever came up with the phrase ‘marrying ketchup’? And why would it catch on as the universal term for the ritualistic ketchup combining procedure in restaurants?  I guess enough people thought it was cute and funny. Well, I thought it was dumb and messy. Marrying ketchup…and marrying men, for that matter. It always disturbed me that when you are slopping ketchup from one bottle to another you have no idea how old it is. It sits on the shelf. You could have two year old ketchup in the bottom of your ketchup bottle. And I was not good at it. Marrying ketchup and marrying men. Too much trouble, too messy and ultimately ends up rotting on the shelf anyway. I hate the smell of old ketchup.

I was attempting to fulfill this nightly side-work requirement as the restaurant was soon to close. My co-worker was in the kitchen rolling silverware. A most unusual woman walked in. Actually, she didn’t really seem unusual at first glance. She was actually rather indistinctive. I hastily tried to rid my fingers of the offending blobs of ketchup with a nearby napkin, and succeeded in embedding the remnants into the grooves around my fingernails. I snorted softly in disgust and tucked a wispy strand of hair back into my ponytail before approaching my customer.

“Hello, ma’am,” I began politely, “I am sorry, but the kitchen is closed. We are only open until eleven.” I smiled wanly at the diminutive, unremarkable woman.

“Oh, but I am merely here for a cup of tea, please.” Her voice had a singsong quality to it and the lilt of an accent that I couldn’t quite place.

“Well, there’s a coffee shop on the corner…” I started, but then I realized that they were closed for remodeling. Had I dumped out the hot water yet? I glanced at the back counter. No. It was still there. “Alright, ma’am, but I am required to lock the door in ten minutes. You may sit where you like.”

“Thank you.”

The woman nodded her head once and the dim lighting reflected her eyes for a moment. They were so shiny and…purple? I had heard that some people have violet eyes, but I had never seen any before. She turned and walked silently to the corner table by the window. She settled herself comfortably and gazed out the window at the passing cars and thinning throngs of people. I found myself staring at her for no apparent reason. I shook my head slightly and washed the ketchup off of my hands. I collected the appropriate items for a cup of tea and set them on a small tray. When I lifted the tray I realized that my hands were trembling. “Stop that!” I hissed to myself. Why on earth was I feeling apprehensive about this woman? I tucked in that same stray hair, clenched my fingers a couple of times and retrieved the tray. I walked briskly to the corner table with a perfect smile in place.

The woman turned her head slowly as I approached and smiled warmly. I could not see her eyes in the dimness. I found myself wanting to see them again. I carefully placed the tea essentials in front of the woman. I was mindful to eliminate any hand shaking that might occur.

“Thank you, Dovey.”

I couldn’t help it. I stood so still for the merest fraction of a moment. The hair on the back of my neck prickled. Dovey? My mind raced in a tumbling rush to the dream I had on the floor of my bedroom.

“You’re…you’re welcome,” I stammered. I offered a weak smile and then quickly walked away and began the mindless task of refilling sugar caddies. My mind was trying to whirl, but I forced it to be blank and concentrate on the simple task at hand. A couple of times I swore that I felt her eyes upon me as I deftly filled and organized, but when I peeked at her she was merely continuing to survey the scene outside the window. Presently, she took her last dainty sip of tea and pushed the chair back softly. She reached for her pocketbook, but I interrupted her.

“No, don’t worry about it. There is no charge.”

She halted in mid-motion gracefully and smiled at me once again. This time I saw the faint sparkle of her violet eyes.

“Thank you.”

She stood noiselessly and made her way to the door.

“Have a nice night,” I called softly. It was annoying that my voice quavered ever so slightly.

She turned and said “You have an old soul and your daughter can see it. I will have a nice night. Thank you ever so much, my dear.”

I said nothing and stood there stupidly as she breezed out the door.

“Wendy? You about done out there? Who were you talking to?”

My mind snapped back into its normal patterns and acknowledged my co-worker’s voice calling from the kitchen.

“Yeah. Just about,” I answered. “Some lady wanted some tea. She’s gone, now. I’ll lock up.”

Chapter 1 https://blogkelliannesweeneydeardiary.wordpress.com/2012/08/06/chapter-1-this-week-chapter-2-next-week/

Chapter 2 https://blogkelliannesweeneydeardiary.wordpress.com/2012/08/13/chapter-two-of-the-one-that-got-away/

Chapter 3  https://blogkelliannesweeneydeardiary.wordpress.com/2012/08/20/chapter-3-the-one-that-got-away/

“The One That Got Away” on amazon http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_9?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=kellianne+sweeney&sprefix=kellianne%2Cstripbooks%2C225

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Chapter 3 “The One That Got Away”

Dear Diary,

Here is Chapter 3 of “The One That Got Away”:

Chapter 3

         Vermillion haze taking the shape of a female face. Lines of time etched in the features becoming more distinct and solidifying into someone familiar. A smaller shape behind…Anna, glowing as if under a brilliant spotlight. Anna, my angel.

“Look! Anna! See? Your mama’s waking up!”

My gaze turned back to the old woman directly above me. The reddish tinge was fading. It was Gladys, my next door neighbor.

“Wendy? Are you alright? Wendy!”

My focus was returning, but my head throbbed. How odd to have a dream about the same people. Wait. I hadn’t been dreaming. I was on the floor. Beside my bed. I had fainted.

“Uh…” I muttered and instinctively placed my hand upon my head as if to contain the pain.

“Ooh! Mama!” Anna breathed and threw her small frame into my lap and hugged me tightly.

“Anna,” Gladys chided kindly, “Get off your mama. She needs air, darlin’.”

Anna obeyed, but reluctantly. Her eyes were wide with uncertainty and she chewed on a fingernail nervously. Gladys returned her attention to me.

“Wendy, how do you feel? I was just about to call 911. Leigh should be here soon.”

“You called my sister?” I murmured. “How long…have I been out?”

“About fifteen minutes, I think,” Gladys answered. “Anna came to get me right away. Brave little thing. She didn’t even cry.  She just told me plainly that you had fallen and that she needed me to come.” She paused. “Has this happened before, Wendy?” The crinkles around her crisp blue eyes deepened as she studied me keenly looking for the truth.

“Um, no.” I replied, gingerly elevating myself to my elbows. The dizziness was gone, but oh, how my head ached! “Can you get me some aspirin? It’s in the….”

“No, Wendy.” Gladys’ posture straightened visibly and her tone became stern. “You need to be checked by a doctor before you start taking just anything. This could be serious….” She stopped herself and glanced at Anna, “or not, but you need a professional opinion. I am sure Leigh would agree.”

Leigh. My younger sister that acted like an older sister. I loved her dearly, but wasn’t partial to following the sensible advice that she was always dishing out. Of course she would insist I see a doctor. And I would demur. Well, I would probably tell her that I would go and then not bother to do it. I’ve been around too many doctors in my life. And then there’s the lack of insurance thing at the moment. The sooner that I convinced Gladys that I was functional, the sooner I could get at the aspirin. And call Leigh off. And get ready for work. I forced myself into a full sitting position. I carefully masked the resulting explosion in my head. I beckoned for Anna, who immediately folded herself within my lap. She clutched me tightly and buried her face in my chest.

“Gladys, thank you so much. I am very grateful.” I smiled as pleasantly as I could manage. “I am alright now.”

Gladys eyed me suspiciously. “You sure about that?”  She slowly worked herself into a standing position using the bed for leverage. “Maybe I should still call 911. I was ‘bout to. I told your sister I was going to.”

“No, really, I’m fine.” I insisted. “I must have gotten up too fast. Didn’t I ever tell you that I have a problem with my inner ear?” I lied.

“Hmmph.” Gladys snorted. “Well, I expect to hear what the doctor says ‘bout all this. And you’d better not be working today. Heaven knows what you could do to yourself fainting in the middle of carrying six peoples’ steak dinners on one of them big trays.” She brushed at her striped house dress briskly and leaned over to pat Anna’s back affectionately. “Darlin’ you take care of your mamma. You just let me know anytime you need me or Pop Pop Joe. We’ll be right there.”

Anna smiled sweetly at Gladys and waved three fingers before burying her head back into my chest.

“Alrighty, then. Wendy, you be careful. That little girl depends on you,” Gladys warned.

I smiled at the stocky, elderly woman. “Thanks again, Gladys.”

Gladys cocked her head in acknowledgement and shuffled through the bedroom door. I pressed my lips into Anna’s silky hair as I watched Gladys make her way down the hall. I heard the front door open and then close again.

“Baby, get Mama’s phone. I need to call Aunt Leigh and tell her I’m okay now.”

“Okay, Mama!” Anna jumped up and happily raced to the kitchen to find my phone.

I leaned my back on the night stand. It was a good thing that I didn’t hit my head on that. Or did I? I hastily patted around my head searching for bumps or tender spots. Nothing. Just an overall, violent ache. I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, trying to will the pain away. I needed to get it together enough to get over to the bathroom for aspirin. I pondered Roese and Ralf for a moment. Weird that after seventeen years my mind would conjure up the same characters in a different setting.

Anna returned breathlessly with my cell phone. “I called her for you, Mama,” she reported proudly as she placed the phone in my hand. I could hear my sister’s tinny voice through the minute speaker calling Anna’s name.

I sighed inwardly and held the phone to my ear.

“Leigh.”

“Wendy! Wendy, what happened? Are you alright? Has the ambulance come? I should be there in ten minutes. Wendy, how did this happen?”

“The ambulance is not coming. I think I just got up too fast. I’m okay,” I offered.

“I don’t think so, Wendy,” Leigh returned doubtfully. “I don’t think getting up too fast would put you out that long. You need to go to the doctor. You make an appointment and you know I will keep Anna while you go. Just let me know when it is. Actually, I really think you should reconsider moving in with us. I already talked to Jeff about it and you know the girls would be thrilled…..”

“No,” I interrupted. “I already told you that I’m fine. I will be looking for a smaller place soon.”

“Wendy!” Leigh exclaimed, “What would have happened if Gladys wasn’t your neighbor? Who knows what kind of neighbors you could end up with?” Think of Anna, Wendy.”

“I do,” I retorted coldly. “She’s everything to me.” I must admit that my mind traveled to you at that moment. The staggering heartache flushed in briefly before I tucked it securely back in its’ box. “I have to work in an hour. Can you still keep Anna for me? When you get here you will see that I am fine and then you can take her back with you. I should be getting off around midnight. I’m working a double.”

“Wendy, are you sure you should be working today?”

“Yes, Leigh,” I said firmly. “I need to. You told me that you could watch Anna today.”

Leigh was silent for a moment. “Okay,” she relented, “but you’d better make a doctor’s appointment for tomorrow. I don’t want to get any more of these kind of scary phone calls about you. You need to take better care of yourself. You can start by quitting smoking.”

“Thanks, Leigh. Gotta go. Bye.” I hung up the phone. Aspirin, coffee and cigarettes were calling my name.

Chapter 2: https://blogkelliannesweeneydeardiary.wordpress.com/2012/08/13/chapter-two-of-the-one-that-got-away/

Chapter 1: https://blogkelliannesweeneydeardiary.wordpress.com/2012/08/06/chapter-1-this-week-chapter-2-next-week/

“The One That Got Away” (0n amazon) http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_8?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=kellianne+sweeney&sprefix=kelliann%2Cstripbooks%2C153

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Chapter Two of “The One That Got Away”

Dear Diary,

Here is Chapter 2 of my novel “The One That Got Away”. Next Monday I will post Chapter 3.

Find Chapter 1 here:

https://blogkelliannesweeneydeardiary.wordpress.com/2012/08/06/chapter-1-this-week-chapter-2-next-week/

Find “The One That Got Away” here: http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_1_6?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=kellianne+sweeney&sprefix=kellia%2Cstripbooks%2C255

Chapter 2

         I dreamed of swirling mist. The sun was trying to penetrate. It had that special sparkle that only the very early morning sunlight emits. I saw before me what looked like freshly cut rose bushes without thorns, leaves, or flowers. They were stark against the blanket of white. The tips glistened brightly with dew like substance. But it wasn’t dew. It was thicker. I could not see the ground and knew that I was drifting gently in the air. My heart felt that it would burst with overwhelming happiness. And then my nose began to itch. The tickling sensation traveled to my ear and transitioned into a twisting probe. I slit my eyes open. Anna removed her finger from my ear and began softly poking my nose. Her large chestnut eyes, partially hidden by a tangle of like colored hair, registered my near wakefulness. Her rosebud mouth quirked slightly as I brushed her hand away and buried my face into the violet forget-me-nots scattered upon my pillow. I hate having my nose touched.

“Mama,” she said patiently, “Mama, I want brefast.”

It was always better if I awoke first and had begun my coffee and cigarette routine prior to attempting to appear functional and pleasant for a four year old child. I do not believe that I was smoking when you were that age. Not that I woke up well, then, either. Anna now employed the full body tactic. Swiftly, she positioned her entire self onto the upper portion of my body forcing my face deeper into the pillow. This had the desired effect. I flung my head up, gasping for breath and rapidly rolling her off of me. She giggled profusely and flailed her arms and legs dramatically.

“Mama, I have to go pee.”

“Ok. You go do that. I’ll wait here,” I answered in classic gravelly, morning voice.

The surprising euphoria of the dream was fading away and the viscous gel of reality was seeping in. What business did I have dreaming such a joyful dream? It also quite escaped my understanding why some sticks in some clouds should render such exhilaration to me. The heavy list of my woes sidled up to the forefront of my mind. I had recently been laid off from the nursing job that I had held for almost ten years. For lack of any better opportunities, I was currently trying to get my waitress legs back at a local steakhouse chain. Anna’s father had also been laid off which meant I was not receiving a child support check. Unpaid bills were piling up at an alarming rate. I was balking at the idea that I needed to look for a small apartment to move into to ease some financial burden. I was worried that I needed to replace the brakes on my car. It was difficult to keep a brave and cheerful face for Anna with all of this. I was fiercely determined to do so. And then there was you. Missing you, as always, gnawing at the back of my brain. I attributed the frequent headaches to these various concerns, but wasn’t sure what to make of the occasional dizzy spells. Didn’t have the medical insurance or the time to figure that out at this point.

Anna walked purposefully back into my bedroom and tugged at my hand.

“Come on, Mama. The clouds are gone now.”

“Yeah, ok. I’m getting up….What did you say?”

“I said come on. I want brefast.”

“No, no…about the clouds?”

Anna smiled mischievously and her eyes sparkled brilliantly. She turned and skipped out of the room.

“Anna…..”

I quickly thrust myself out of bed and promptly passed out.

I peeked around the corner nervously and impatiently brushed a stray tendril of hair out of my face. Why hadn’t I put my hair back? Because it looks more exotic down, I reminded myself. But, feh! It was always in the way. I glanced down at the hem of my sage green dress checking for mud splatters. It was a trifle damp today. I rubbed hastily at a stray offending spot. I heard a snicker from behind and straightened immediately. I smoothed my bodice as inconspicuously as possible and tried to turn elegantly. I found myself facing a smartly dressed woman with flaming red hair and lips to match.

“Are you lost, Dovey?” she purred.  The words came perfectly pitched somewhere between distain and feigned kindness.

“I, uh…” How did I think to secure a position as an actress if I couldn’t even speak properly at an introduction? I cleared my throat lightly and gathered my wits.

“I am Roese Surrey and I am inquiring after a position as an actress in your theatre.”

“It’s not mine, Dovey.” The woman’s scarlet mouth slid easily to the side into a sardonic smirk. Her eyes glittered in a jaded fashion before slipping behind a well manufactured curtain. “And we are not looking for anyone such as yourself.”

I parted my lips to protest politely, but was interrupted by a tall attractive man calling from the stage. “Mary, is that you? Do come up and give us your thought on this scene.”

Mary visibly glowed with importance. Her smirk grew into a dazzling smile as she strode toward the stage, hips swaying suggestively. “Do show yourself out,” she called smugly to me over her shoulder.

I paused. I twisted my hands once and then forced them to be still. I was uncertain. Should I just leave? Or should I speak to the tall man? Surely he must be Robert Aiden. Losing my nerve, I took a step toward the door, and then stopped. This means everything, I warned myself sternly. If you walk out now, you cannot come back. You cannot, will not go back home. The other theatres in town are much too bawdy, seedy and just plain frightening. You do not have the coin to travel to the next town. This is your dream. You must not shy from it. I stepped away from the door and stood at the back of the theatre with as much dignity as I could muster. I slowly breathed the room into me. It echoed with a sense of anticipation. The spirit of past applause and chattering excitement of the audience still lingered in the air. The musty smell of the grand, faded curtains was quite heady to me. I longed to feel the smooth wood of the stage beneath my feet and to cause it to creak ever so slightly as I would glide across it, pouring out my passion for all to feel. To move others to feel as I did without the risk of bruising my troublesome, sensitive heart.

“Hullo? Who is there?” The tall man was shielding his eyes to get a better look in my direction.

I could feel the sun suddenly break through the clouds and pour through the open door behind me. I caught my breath. The sun fingered through my long wavy hair and shone warm on my back as if to push me forward. A rather stunning entrance! I giggled to myself and couldn’t help but smile winningly. Mary had just alighted upon the stage and turned in my direction. Her face was twisted into a peevish pout. Her features momentarily loosened into surprise at the sight of my dramatic image, but quickly regained their original expression. I could not hear what she said to the tall man, but I don’t imagine that it was flattering to me. Her hand reached for the script that he was holding in order to offer her requested opinion, I suppose, but he held fast to it and impatiently brushed her aside.

“What do we have here, then?” the tall man called, “Do come closer, young miss.”

“Here we go,” I whispered to myself silently. I walked forward with a pert, confident step. I bridged the distance quickly. I extended my hand upwards as the tall man bent to a squatting position.

I spoke brightly. “Mr. Aiden, I am Roese Surrey, Sir, and I would beg of you a moment of your time. I have prepared a monologue for your pleasure, Sir. If I might perform it for you, Sir.”

“Well,” Robert Aiden laughed charmingly. “I am not currently looking to add another female to my troupe. “However,” his smile widened and his eyes took on the look of a hunter that Roese knew only too well. “Perhaps we will take a moment to see what charms you may hold.”

I gulped inwardly and my stomach wrenched, but I gave no outward sign. My face was in place and I was smiling that smile that I knew made my whole countenance shine. Mr. Aiden appeared quite taken. I knew that I had to press this advantage though I hoped so very fervently that he would attend to my monologue. Mary looked quite put out. It was then that I noticed the other man standing on the stage. He was studying me with veiled curiosity and amusement. Something about him disconcerted me. I quirked a polite smile in his direction and looked away quickly in order to keep my composure for the task at hand.  I could feel his gray, piercing eyes upon me as I ascended the stairs. Butterflies quivered violently in my stomach and I felt the blood rush to my cheeks and down to my toes as I stepped my foot onto the surface of the stage. It creaked softly as I set my other foot in place.

“Let’s take a chair, shall we, Mary?” Robert grabbed Mary by the waist suddenly and then slapped her behind before playfully pushing her in the direction of the stairs. Mary stumbled awkwardly before regaining her balance and composure. She offered Robert a half hearted laugh and glared fiercely at me as she sauntered down the short staircase. Robert followed enthusiastically. The other man was slower to move. He seemed to unfold himself from his lounging stance.  He did not smile at me, but his look was not unkind as he gracefully strode past me to join his comrades. My scalp prickled as the rush of air he stirred touched me. I found myself staring at the back of his tousled, sandy head and slightly stooped shoulders. Abruptly, I realized that Robert was speaking to me.

“Miss Surrey, You obviously know who I am, and I believe you have met our finest actress, Mary Boyd. And may I also introduce to you the very talented Ralf Emery.”

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Anger

It hurtled without friction or pause.

The intensity of its propulsion leeched from a stranglehold of the desperate fear of a fleeing rabbit

Whose heart skitters as though it would burst from its chest.

And also from the fungus growing kind of pain that eats its host from the inside out.

The anger was born there.

And flies

Forming no words

Raw and pure.

It becomes a resounding slap in the face of yet another injustice

Delivered swiftly and forcefully.

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Chapter 1 this week, Chapter 2 next week…

Dear Diary,

Most of you are aware that I have published a novel entitled “The One That Got Away”. I want to make a side note here that I published this book before Katie Perry’s song of the same title was released, but weirdly enough, the subject matter for both is along the same lines. Must mean something, right?

Anyway, I have decided that on Mondays I will post consecutive chapters of my novel here so that you can get a good bite of it. I hope  you enjoy and come back for more. If you would like to write a review for my book on amazon, I would be happy to provide you with a complete copy at no charge. Without further ado, here is Chapter One of “The One That Got Away”:

–1-

 Did I ever tell you that I thought you were dead when you were born? I really don’t think that we ever got into that sort of conversation.  Your birth was rather surreal to me. Of course, I had nothing to compare it to and they did give me something to calm me down because I was in a full blown panic when the contractions got intense. I think you would agree that this reaction seems quite out of character for me. I really don’t ever remember being in any sort of panic about anything before this incident. You know I’ve had to deal with crisis situations, but I’ve always been able to approach them with a certain detachment. I have thought this very clever and superior of me to be able to do that. So, I was quite surprised at myself when I experienced this burbling, spine tingling, overpowering surge of panic rising from some deep place within me. The initial rush choked me and my ears buzzed violently. A single thought kept searing my mind over and over: “My baby is dead.” I believed that I was merely thinking this gloomy thought, but apparently, I was screaming it. At this point it seemed that every nurse and doctor and any other available person had their hands on me trying to get me to lie down. Some voices were firm, others were kind but I couldn’t distinguish much of the murmurings because of the incessant buzzing. I do remember someone asking about your father. I believe you know that he was out of town on business. You took us all unawares as you were three and a half weeks early. I also remember my doctor asking for some sort of medication for me. And whispers that my baby was fine. I could not believe them. I struggled and wailed frantically and begged them to save my baby. When the sedative began slipping into my bloodstream the vision began. At first, the edges of my sight were studded with fuzzy, gray spots. I tried to blink them out of the way, but this merely changed their location. Then the people in the room began to blur and ooze some sort of colorful mist. Not all of the colors were the same. I was no longer panicking. I was frozen with fascination. I did not dare blink. I felt warm. And then hot. And then terribly hot. The acrid smell of blood and birth filled my nostrils. And dirt and sweat. I was slick with sweat. I couldn’t see anyone anymore. It was so dark. I could sense movement, that I was not alone. I couldn’t see…. Then I realized that there was dim candlelight. Candlelight?

 “Ralf,” I heard myself whisper. My mouth was so dry. My spit stuck to my tongue like wallpaper paste.

 “Ralf…”

 “No, dear, not yet,” a vague female voice answered. “Soon.”

 I felt reassured from her kind voice. She knew what she was doing. I would see Ralf soon and I would tell him how things would be different. How I wanted this baby. His baby. That I was determined to be a good mother. That I would not be selfish. That I loved him so desperately, like he loved me and the baby too and….

 A hard, agonizing contraction grappled my body. I knew to push. I pushed hard. To see my baby. To love the baby like I loved Ralf, like Ralf loved me….

 I heard the woman cry out. I heard her whisper something to someone else in the room. Her voice caught. Dear God. Something was wrong. My baby.  Something…… She was holding the baby. Bloody. Still. Why didn’t she clean him? Why didn’t she wrap him? My nose burned with the smell. I felt vomit rise into my throat. My baby. I looked at the woman’s face. Her face was pinched. Her eyes sparkled with tears that were about to fall.  She was holding my baby. Still. No breath. I started screaming. It was my fault. Ralf jerked the door open.

 My shrieks abruptly halted. My eyes caressed his disheveled sandy hair in the candlelight. His wolfish gray eyes were dark with concern and fear. His slender jaw was tight with worry.

“Roese,” he choked.

 I drank his presence with great thirst. It was so hard to speak.

“Ralf, please forgive me.” I barely breathed the words.

 Sudden, stark brightness.  I was numb everywhere. And very detached. I watched as the doctor cut your umbilical cord. You looked blue to me. Your eyes were closed. You were still. You were dead. But then you slowly arched your back and wriggled slightly. I gasped and began to cry with jagged gulps. You were not dead. You were alive! The relief was overpowering. The doctor gave you to me. A nurse was trying to hand me the phone to speak to your father. Other hospital staff bustled about importantly. I shook off the lingering dread that hung on me like a damp cloak and concentrated on holding you close. But Roese still hovered in the fringes of my mind.

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More Than Just Coral

Dear Diary,

I don’t remember exactly what I was looking for, but as my hand rooted impatiently through the eclectic jumble of items in my purse, my fingers touched a rough, oval object. With curiosity, I pulled it out to ascertain what was hiding in the depths of the endless clutter. It was a piece of coral, worn and rounded by the sea. My five year old daughter had been collecting various sea shells and coral during our recent family vacation to the beach and had apparently decided that I needed one in my purse. It was a surprising and pleasant reminder of our trip nestled within the many everyday objects and papers that collect there. This trip had been something special for more than the obvious reason of being a successful family bonding experience. We had been able to relax and play together for the first time in a long time. It was beautiful. But, this snapshot in time will remain in my memory for other reasons as well. The friendship and care that I experienced from my husband’s uncle and cousin and their wives has left me feeling  blessed. I have known them for years, but from this visit I walked away feeling that I can count them as being true friends. I was also given very sage advice from Uncle and a woman that I met there.  I will hold these pieces of wisdom close and implement them. I am not usually one for taking advice readily, but I believe that from these two conversations I have found  the stamina to push through a rut area in my life. Also during this weekend I received an email from my adult son who has not spoken to me in three years. He is finally expressing his reasons for his silence, which of course, is a very important step. And lastly, there is nothing quite like skinny dipping in the ocean in the middle of the night. All of these things I will remember whenever I bump into the sea smoothed coral in my purse. At some point in the distant future I will get around to removing much of the useless junk floating around in there, but that coral is definitively staying.

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